GREG GUTFELD: At this point, even if you ever convict Trump of anything, it's not going to matter

So today, the defense rested in the Trump hush money trial, meaning he won’t take the stand. Probably because he doesn’t need to. Yesterday, Alvin Bragg’s star witness, Michael Cohen, received a “Cohenoscopy.” Trump’s attorney stuck a scope of truth up Cohen’s a** and exposed a giant polyp of lies. Cohen is Bragg’s key witness, the man depends on even more than the tailor who has to let out his sweatpants. He’s the only one who can tie Trump to any crime, even though nobody there seems sure what that crime is. So Cohen fell apart like Britney Spears in an Iranian helicopter. It gets worse. All that’s left is for the media to pretend none of it happened. 

Now, Trump could still be convicted. After all, this is Manhattan. Where shoving grandma in front of a train gets a verbal warning but double parking gets you the chair. And these are 12 jurors from a pool that’s been peed in– electing Bragg and voting for Biden by almost 85% last time. I mean, these are the dopes who gave us bail reform ,Bill de Blasio and “sucker punch a woman week.” So, let’s manage our expectations. But if there’s any hope, there must be one juror that will hang this jury so we can end this horrible thing and get on with the summer. Let New Yorkers put on their short shorts and halter tops, ladies too. And at this point, even if you ever convict Trump of anything, it’s not going to matter. Like Jesse’s first toupee he put on Craigslist, nobody’s buying it. You can thank Cohen and Bragg for that. Because of them, Americans trust the system as much as the expiration date on a dollar store condom. 

Now, nobody was more disappointed watching the Bragg case fall apart than our media. You’d think they’d be used to this by now. This was supposed to be an epic takedown of Trump starring a killer witness who had all the dirt. Sadly, they’d been promised George Clooney, but instead got George Costanza. The big moment? Cohen admitted he stole $30,000 from Trump’s organization. Cohen explained how he billed the Trump company for $50 grand owed to a vendor, but only paid them $20 and pocketed the rest. This guy is so low whales *** on him. But finally, we found an actual crime. An actual crime in this mess. And the media’s shocked that Cohen was the one who committed it.

CNN’S JAKE TAPPER: I’m still kind of reeling from the revelation that Michael Cohen stole money from the Trump Organization. That was just kind of stunning.

CNN’S LAURA COATES: This has given such ammunition as to possibly fatally undermine the prosecution’s case.

MSNBC GUEST: There’s an argument to be made that actually, you’re just an opportunistic thief. I think this has moved Michael Cohen from this figure where he’s part Tom Hagen from The Godfather, but really more like Fredo Corleone, to now this guy who’s just a thief.

CNN’S ELIE HONIG: Stealing $60,000 through fraud, which would be larceny in New York state, is more serious of a crime than falsifying business.

MICHAEL COHEN’S ADMITTED THEFT FROM TRUMP ORGANIZATION STUNS MSNBC, CNN HOSTS

So the guy who supposedly was deep in cahoots with Trump on a master plan to defraud the electorate was actually stealing from Trump. Come on. If you can’t trust a convicted perjurer, who can you trust? The prosecution didn’t seem to know it was coming. Meaning Cohen lied to them, too. You’d think they would have covered this in witness prep. I mean, if you’re going to put Jeffrey Dahmer on the stand, you tell him please don’t bring up your favorite recipes. Now, we’re watching the lemmings work through the five stages of grief. Lawrence O’Donnell is in the denial stage.

LAWRENCE O’DONNELL: He asked about the $50,000. That’s irrelevant to the $130,000. And that’s where he very effectively got Michael Cohen to say, to agree that yes, he stole $30,000. Later, when Cohen was asked about that on redirect by the prosecution, it didn’t really sound like stealing $30,000. It sounded a lot like Michael Cohen doing the little that he could within that calculation to rebalance the bonus he thought he deserved, and it still came out as less than the bonus he thought he deserved, and the bonus he’d gotten the year before.

MSNBC HOST DEFENDS MICHAEL COHEN AFTER BOMBSHELL STEALING ADMISSION: HE ‘THOUGHT HE DESERVED’ THAT MONEY

You know, I’ve been in the media forever, but I can honestly say that’s the stupidest thing ever broadcast and I watch The View. See, Cohen didn’t steal the money. He just rebalanced it. Rebalanced it. That’s like something you do on an airplane with Lizzo. Rebalancing? Isn’t that how they defend looting and reparations? Rebalancing is a new word for theft. After the show, I think I’ll rebalance some of Judge Janine’s Activia. That’s yogurt. Now, the bad news is that the left’s lawfare isn’t restricted to Trump. According to a website called The 65 Project, some 400 Republican lawyers and politicians have been targeted with criminal and civil litigation as well as disbarment proceedings. This, as we head into the 2024 election. There’s a whole new round going on in Arizona, as another election interference case is underway to attack and bankrupt Republicans. Of course, Arizona is a swing state and Trump is up in the polls. Must be a coincidence, right? 

In fact, Trump is pretty much up in all the swing states. So at what point is the left going to realize lawfare is working about as well as their Afghan pull out or Hunter’s pull out with that stripper. They might want to remember that if Trump does win, it’ll be the Orange Meanie who controls DOJ. And like the old saying, payback’s a Clinton. Then there’s the Trump trial Judge Juan Merchan, who’s been treating Team Trump like P. Diddy treats house guests. 

When Trump’s team’s surprise witness Robert Costello delivered testimony that destroyed Cohen even more, the judge actually accused him of staring him down, something I’ve been accused of many times here in the men’s room. I told Lou Dobbs I thought I saw a nickel in his urinal. Anyway. The judge then berated Trump’s lawyers and threatened to have Costello’s testimony stricken from the record. 

This is the judge that allowed testimony about Trump’s choice in underwear and let Stormy spread lies like they were her ankles. Enough already. Merchan, do your job and strike this entire affair. And let America go back to being the country where Banana Republic only refers to the place where I shop in the boy’s department.

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